Let It Go
by Bohemian Storm
Summary: Lucius Malfoy has to accept what it expected of him and let go the things that get in his way. Specifically, his relationship with Severus Snape. Reviews greatly appreciated.


Disclaimer: JKR owns the characters and their world. U2 owns the song lyrics taken from their song 'Bad'.  
  
Notes: Let's see if I've got this straight. This fic is inspired by Dia's fic 'Slytherins All', so I could blame her. But that fic is blamed on me because I corrupted her. But Andrea corrupted me, so I think the blame for this goes to Andrea. Not that she'll mind. :)  
  
More Notes: No offense meant to anyone who is gay, I just wanted to explore another aspect of a slash relationship.   
  
  
Let It Go   
  
  
Lucius Malfoy knew it was wrong, he knew it wasn't right and that his father would kill him if he ever found out. He could feel the prejudice and the disgust in the air around him, knowing that if the rumours were ever proven, he would be crushed beneath his horrified house mates. They would ruin him, destroy him, they would pull him apart. And yet, he still couldn't tear himself away from Severus Snape.  
  
Day after day, year after year, the two still met every Thursday night in the astronomy tower. His insipid followers Crabbe and Goyle had almost found out during the last semester of their sixth year, but Lucius had managed to snake his way out of that mess before it had occurred. Crabbe and Goyle weren't the brightest students in the school and they accepted the flimsy story he told them about Snape being hit by a curse. That's why he was leaning over him, that's why Lucius's face was so near his . . . to make sure he was still alive.  
  
The warm, lean body beneath him was most certainly alive.  
  
"Good Lord," Lucius breathed, his mouth inches from Snape's throat. Three nights before graduation they were up in the tower again, each fearing what they both refused to say.  
  
"Don't talk," Snape ordered, his mouth finding Lucius's and kissing him deeply. There was a fumbling of buttons and Lucius couldn't help but grin as Snape struggled with his shirt. In so many ways Snape would always been the shy, struggling boy that Lucius had first met on the Hogwarts Express. And in so many other ways he had become a man, a man who Lucius had given his heart to freely and completely.  
  
Lucius leaned to one side and put his weight on his right elbow, then undid his shirt buttons with his left hand. Something that could almost be considered a smile crossed Snape's mouth and Lucius leaned back down to press a gentle kiss on the corner.   
  
"Thank you," Snape whispered, staring up at Lucius with dark eyes. His pale hands slid down the sides of Lucius's body, pushing his shirt back off his shoulders.  
  
"Of course," Lucius replied, leaning once more into the warm body below him. He would not let his thoughts ruin that night. He would have one final night with Snape, one final night when he could pretend that loving a man would be accepted by others. He would pretend for a few more hours.  
  
With strangely steady hands, Lucius worked off Snape's shirt, dropping kisses on the other man's pale chest. His fingers reached the belt of Snape's pants and he ran a thin finger up and down Snape's stomach before pulling the shirt out and pushing it off. The younger man groaned slightly and shivered under his lover's touch and Lucius couldn't suppress the smile that crossed his face.  
  
He moved back up Snape's body and found his mouth once more, pressing hot kisses against his skin. He almost hated being there, having to hide from everyone, his body aching for something he knew was wrong. He hated himself for being so in love with a man, he hated his body for reacting to Snape the way it always did. Seven years at Hogwarts hadn't changed his feelings, but he would not go into the real world having to hide.  
  
When Snape's lean arms wrapped around his waist, Lucius couldn't hurt the injured sigh that escaped.  
  
"What?" Snape asked, looking hurt.  
  
Lucius studied Snape's face for a long moment, wondering if he would be right to mention anything at all. It was their last night together, after all.  
  
"I just wish things could stay like this forever," Lucius said finally.  
  
Snape frowned. "They can't?"  
  
Lucius shook his head. "No, we have to let it go."  
  
  
  
~If you twist and turn away  
If you tear yourself in two again  
If I could, yes I would  
If I could, I would let it go  
Surrender, dislocate~  
  
  
"Oh," came Snape's hollow reply. "But I thought that . . ." he trailed off, shaking his head slightly. "I suppose what I thought was ridiculous, wasn't it?"  
  
"Severus," Lucius said pleadingly, "don't ruin this night."  
  
Snape's eyes hardened and he pushed away. "Our 'last night' together?" he asked, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "That's what you had planned, wasn't it, Lucius?"  
  
"Severus," he tried again. He didn't want to talk, he wanted to shag on the floor of the bloody tower, yet his partner didn't seem to be willing to do anything other than stare at him. He didn't quite mind being stared at either, as it was usually Snape's eyes that appealed to him. All Snape had to do was toss him a quick and suggestive glance in class and Lucius's mind would wander for the rest of the day. Those black eyes ripped into him in a way nothing else could.  
  
"Don't patronize me, Lucius," Snape said coldly. "I can see perfectly well what's going on. I can only guess that this is what Muggle call 'the break-up sex'. Well, think again, Lucius. I'm not some silly school girl you can weave you magic on."  
  
Lucius grinned slightly. "Definitely not a silly school girl."  
  
Snape tried to continue glaring at him, but a moment later he had nearly smiled again. "No, not a school girl."  
  
They fell silent, Lucius still leaning on the ground and Snape sitting against the wall. Their earlier passion could not be recaptured, not after Lucius had opened their minds to what their futures would be. Alone, both repressed more than likely, both angry that they hadn't fought for what was right in front of them.  
  
"It's because of what other people will say, isn't it?" Snape asked suddenly.  
  
Lucius glanced at him then, hating himself for it, he nodded. "Yes, Severus. I'm sorry."  
  
"You're awfully shallow, Lucius."  
  
"You know what they'd say, Severus," Lucius said softly. *What I'd say about myself,* he added silently.  
  
  
~If you should ask then maybe  
They'd tell you what I would say  
True colours fly in blue and black,  
Bruised silken skies and burning flag  
Colours crash, collide in blood shot eyes~   
  
  
"What would they say?" Snape asked, staring curiously at Lucius. "What do you think they'd say that would be so horrible?"  
  
Lucius's pale eyes narrowed. "The names, Severus. Can't you just imagine the names? That alone would be enough, but my family name would be dragged through the mud." He laughed bitterly. "Can't you imagine my father's reaction? 'I have a faggot for a son? Disgusting!' I don't know what I'd do."  
  
Snape cocked his head. "What are you going to do? Just pretend you're . . . normal?"  
  
Lucius shrugged. "I suppose."  
  
"What is normal?" Snape asked.  
  
Lucius shrugged again, unable to answer.  
  
They fell silent once more as Snape studied Lucius, unsure of what exactly to say to him. There was obviously nothing he could say that would change the other man's mind, but maybe there was something he could say to ease the pain. Lucius didn't want to end the relationship anymore than Snape did, but apparently he thought he had to.  
  
"Not everyone is that cruel," Snape said softly.  
  
Lucius just shrugged. "I hate the part of me that wants you." He shook his head angrily. "I hate the part of me that loves you."  
  
"I-what? Love me?"  
  
Lucius looked away, staring intently at his fingers. "Never mind. I shouldn't have said anything because this isn't right. It's wrong. It's bad."  
  
  
~If I could, you know I would.  
If I could, I would let it go~  
  
  
"Bad," Snape repeated hollowly. "Right."  
  
Lucius's mouth worked, trying to find a way to put his thoughts into words. He'd always been taught that it was wrong, he was supposed to marry a woman, have her bear him a son . . . an heir. He couldn't very well ask Severus Snape to give birth to a Malfoy, it was a ridiculous request. Not to mention impossible, Lucius concluded after thinking for a long moment.  
  
"Sorry," he managed to say, knowing nothing else could ease the pain.  
  
"Perhaps I should leave you with your thoughts," Snape said, reaching for his shirt and sliding his shoulders into it. "This is not the right time for us to be having this conversation. We should talk again when you've had the chance to think."  
  
"I don't need to think," Lucius said, standing and grabbing Snape's arm. "This has to be goodbye, Severus."  
  
Snape buttoned his shirt, unwilling to look Lucius in the eye. He didn't want to see the truth there, he didn't want to know that the goodbye would hurt both men equally. Snape wanted to pretend that he was being dumped, that he could hate Lucius freely, acknowledge that the man had broken his heart. But if he dared raised his black eyes to those grey ones that entire myth would be shattered. Snape would know that Lucius wanted him and that the breakup wasn't by choice. He wouldn't be able to hate him.  
  
"When I'm a bitter old man, can I blame it on you?" Snape asked, smiling slightly and trying to make light of the situation.  
  
Lucius laughed bitterly. "Of course. You can blame anything on me."  
  
"Alright then," Snape said, taking a step away. "I will see you at the graduation ceremony, Lucius."  
  
"Wait," Lucius said, reaching forward. Snape stopped and let Lucius's hand fall onto his arm. His skin felt like it was being burned through the thin material of his shirt, but he let Lucius keep his hand there.  
  
Without warning, Lucius bent forward and pressed his dry, hot lips against Snape's mouth. His fingers clenched tightly on Snape's arm and his eyes squeezed shut, pressing all his guilt and shame into the kiss. It left Snape speechless and frightened, and instead of saying goodbye, he simply turned and left the astronomy tower.  
  
Lucius watched him leave, watched the dark shoulders disappear down the stairs, he waited until he could no longer hear the footsteps on the stone floor. He turned toward the window and stared out at the sky, reaching for his discarded shirt and clutching it tightly to his bare chest. He felt naked and alone in the tower. More alone than he had felt in a very long time.   
  
He had just lost his best and only friend, but he had to learn to let it go.  
  
  
~Let it go . . .  
This desperation  
Condemnation  
Revelation  
Isolation  
Desolation~  
  
  
End 


End file.
